Monday 31 August 2009

I need help with my novel!

I know I don't deserve it because I've abandoned you all for so long, but now that I'm almost done with my dissertation, I could really do with some help on the first paragraph. Which version is better?

"The prospect of glamorous London made it very appealing to leave behind everything I knew and loved. Especially since all my friends said they would come and visit me and my parents promised to pay my return at Christmas or whenever I got homesick. Homesick, I thought, are you kidding? Once I'm in London, I won't have time to think about some dull city in Holland that no one's ever heard of, let alone miss it!"

or

"The prospect of glamorous London made it very appealing to leave behind everything I knew and loved. Especially since there's Skype to keep in touch with everyone and mum promised to pay my return at Christmas or whenever I got homesick. Homesick, are you kidding? Once I'm in London, I won't have time to think about fun's hibernation cave, let alone miss it!"


Or, in addition to the second version, should it be: "Once I'm in London, I won't have time to think about the place where fun goes to sleep, let alone miss it!"

Later on the first page it will become clear that she's Dutch anyway, so the DRY-principle would justify the second version...

I'd love to hear from you! E-mails are welcome too!

13 comments:

  1. I like 'the place where fun goes to sleep' because it is more consise yet conveys more feeling.
    Don't call London 'glamorous', for some reason this doesn't flow well with me. But that's just me!
    Sx

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  2. Thanks!
    Do you mean it doesn't flow poetically, or because you think London isn't glamorous? For this is to show her ignorance, and time and again her expectations are let down on this front, though she keeps her spirits high and wants to see it.

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  3. I think the second version is better, especially with the end line that upholds the DRY principle. (Did I mention that to you first or did you know it already before?)

    The mentioning of Skype instead of the visits seems better too, since up to at least page 70 no one in fact comes to visit her anyway. (I've accumulated some more feedback for you by the way. I'll call it in soon. ;)

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  4. The first paragraph sounds more natural to me. A hibernation cave makes me think of bears. They are creatures with whom you have little in common.

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  5. @Arian: Thanks! Yes, you told be about the DRY-principle (^_^)

    @GB: You're right about the hibernation-cave, it's far-fetched. I think I'll opt for the "where fun goes to sleep"-version, with which I feel more confident.

    Thanks!

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  6. Hi Borah...
    I just like the second one.
    On the contary with Gorilla Bananas (sorry), I really loved the "hibernation cave". It's so eye-catching or easy listening ( i don't know which one is fit to say that it's very interesting), and it's so unique. It makes me wondering about the next paragraph going to be...

    By the way, I like your writing style :D

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  7. Hola,
    Very excited to see that you almost finished your dissertation. However different tastes for different people. So I’ll think you just have to follow your heart. Your writing is really good, I like both of the text. My personal favor is the first one. It comes across more professional. The second one comes across more informal. Like writing a blog on the internet. May I also suggest to change the word glamorous in to exciting and dull into dreary.

    "The prospect of exciting London made it very appealing to leave behind everything I knew and loved. Especially since all my friends said they would come and visit me and my parents promised to pay my return at Christmas or whenever I got homesick. Homesick, I thought, are you kidding? Once I'm in London, I won't have time to think about some dreary city in Holland that no one's ever heard of, let alone miss it!"

    Good luck with finishing!

    XXX Tamara (from long time no see :-))

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  8. @Diansyll: thanks for dropping by! It's good to hear I wasn't a complete fool when I thought of the hibernation cave, that there's at least someone that likes it :) Thanks!

    @Tamara: Lomg time no see indeed! How have you been? How's The Nose working out? Thanks for your advice, I'll let you know when I'm done.

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  9. Borah,

    No way to tell - without more context - which is better actually. But judging them 'as is', with just you as a person and your online presence as a context, the second one fits. I dig the hibernation cave as a metaphor as well, by the way, but that's probably just because I live there (pun intended). Sorry, won't insult your intelligence :P

    Jules

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  10. I agree with Jules, difficult to tell without context. However, I'd make the opening sentence shorter to get impact and then continue with what you've said.

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  11. You're right,Jules, but if the first paragraph isn't attractive enough, people will never get to read the rest of the context...

    Still, the rest of the context is probably why Arian and I both like the skype-bit better than friends making promises they don't keep.

    I'll rethink the opening sentence too, Madame DeFarge. I'm sure there has to be an easier way of expressing her enthusiasm to discover a new world and the ease with which she leaves behind a warm and loving home.

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  12. Thanks for your suggestions, everyone! This is the result:

    "After I finished my exams, I couldn't wait to exchange everything I knew and loved for the glamour of London. Especially since there's Skype to keep in touch with everyone and my mum promised to pay for my return at Christmas or whenever I got homesick. Homesick, I thought, are you kidding? Once I'm in London, I won't have time to think about some dull city in Holland that no one's ever heard of, let alone miss it!"

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  13. I really liked what you picked!!! Thats just how I felt about moving to London.
    xx

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