Make your dog work for you

This story was originally published on rantrave.com in 2010.

          "I've found the most reliable business partner in the world," says Millie Harris, one of Surrey's most remarkable entrepreneurs. "When we decided to take a puppy, we would never have guessed that he would double our family savings!" She's talking about her dog Ollie, who is a professional waiter and entertainer.

          We're sitting in her suburban living room with French doors that lead to a spacious garden. Millie sees me look at a large painting of a boy and girl with a big blond dog. "We knew Ollie was good with kids. That was the main reason why we wanted a Golden Retriever. They are always up for a cuddle and eager to learn new tricks."

          "One day, my husband, who is a builder, came home from work and he was absolutely knackered. He sat down, switched on the telly and told me to get him a beer. Ollie immediately followed me to the kitchen. When I opened the fridge, he looked at me with those big eyes, as if he was asking: 'Shall I do it?' I thought it would be a laugh, so I put the can between his jaws and sent him back in."

          "Two weeks later, Ollie demonstrated his trick on my birthday party. Not everybody likes drool on their cans, but the idea of having a dog butler was a major hit. One of my friends asked if I could teach Ollie to pull a trolley on his wedding reception. We taught him some more tricks, and before we knew it, our dog was performing every weekend." Millie lovingly pets the blond Labrador that's sitting next to her. "He's fully booked until August next year. A London-based company even tried to book him for a fundraising dinner in 2014. But we've said no. We can't predict the future. Right, Ollie?"

          When Millie goes to the kitchen to put the kettle on, Ollie follows her immediately. I half expect the dog to come back offering me a soggy biscuit. But he's a professional now, and he doesn't work on weekdays. Millie has to carry the tea tray herself and sits down again on the sofa. "As a builder, my husband knows what it's like to start your own business, so he does all the paperwork. All I did was make sure we chose the best dog insurance in the UK. Of course we already had one to cover the vet's fee. But when your dog is pulling trolleys full of wine glasses, you do want third party liability coverage. Even though we've got a clause in the contract that says that all accidents are the client's responsibility. Fortunately, we haven't had to use our dog insurance yet." Ollie yawns and settles down for a little nap.

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          "As for marketing... word of mouth is working very well for us. We wouldn't even be able to deal with the requests we'd get if we would start a website!"

Little George

One Thursday evening, a homely scene of emptied plates on the floor and lovers embracing on the sofa.
F: “All right, you can have a pet if you want.”
D: “But you'd want to kill and eat it.”
F: “No, I mean it, you can have a pet and I won't kill it.”
D: “Really?! Are you sure?”
F: “Yes.”
D: “Where did that come from?”
F: “It's a part of you to and it's mean of me to deny you that.”
D: “But wouldn't you mind having a pet?”
F: “No, I think I would quite like it, actually.”
D – jumps up from the sofa and starts hopping through the room like an excited child - “Whoop Whoop! Hurah! I can have a pet! We're going to have a pet! Thank you Freddie! Thank you so much!”

A couple of weeks later, I'm proud to announce that we've got a bunny. George is five years old and brought to us by the RSPCA after being rescued from a cruel home. Isn't he just the cutest thing in the world? I fell in love with his picture immediately, but the RSPCA had to disappoint me because I need a letter of confirmation from my landlord that I can have a pet.

Now, our contract says we're not allowed to keep pets, but upon signing it Freddie asked whether it was okay to have a small pet like a hamster or a rabbit in a cage.
“Yes,” the estate agent replied, “that's fine. No cats, dogs or chicken, but a rabbit is fine.” Unfortunately, they couldn't write a letter to the RSPCA to confirm this, though, because it would contradict the contract and cause legal problems. When I explained the situation, the estate agent said: “Can't you just get a bunny from a pet shop instead?”

But I wanted to do a good deed, help a mature animal looking for a good home instead of buying a new baby that wouldn't have any problem whatsoever finding a family. We almost got two guinea pigs from the Guinea Pig Rescue, but changed our minds when it was pissing down with rain and I couldn't figure out which bus we would have to take to get there. The prospect of carrying two guinea pigs and a cage through the rain was, to say the least, unnerving. Also, the guinea pigs we had our eye on were called Einstein and Darwin - which didn't feel right because one of my previous guinea pigs was called Darwin. I know Schopenhauer didn't have any problem whatsoever in calling his new poodle Atma after the first poodle Atma died, but I'm not Schopenhauer.

When I saw the new Honey Waffles ad, I even contemplated getting myself a Honey Monster. The ad is the new production of Garth Jennings, who also directed the endearing children's film Son of Rambow and the hilarious Shaun of the Dead. I almost went to Tesco's to get myself one, when I realized that I didn't want to have to fight over my cereals with my pet. Also, Freddie doesn't want serious competition when it comes to being my biggest-mess-maker.



I kept checking gumtree, but had almost abandoned the whole idea of getting a pet when I got a call from the RSPCA. Whether I was still interested in George. Hell yes! Was he still there? Yes, he was. Instead of asking for a letter, they offered to call the estate agent. This time, a verbal confirmation was good enough. Last Thursday, they visited my place to see whether it's suitable for keeping a bunny and today, he's moving in. I hope he'll be as happy with Freddie and me as we are with him!