Trophy 14 - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll never see him again.

“I'd like to slap him with a large trout,” says Gary when the waiter is gone. “So this fish cake you were talking about, what's her name again?”

“Elaine.”

“Beautiful name. As you were saying – you haven't had her yet, so she's on your to do list. Am I right?”

“Whatever.” I can't hold it against him that Gary's not a good listener. That's why we're such good friends. Maybe I'll get through to him some day, but not today. I don't even know what I was gonna say about Elaine. “Yeah. Top of the list.”

“That's why it hasn't happened yet, man. Never prioritise women. They're like dogs, they can smell it when you're desperate. They run a mile from you when they know how badly you want it.”

“Right.”

Trophy 13 - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll never see him again.

“As if you were that much older!”

“At least I was old enough to know what a condom is.”

We're drifting off and I don't like where the current of this conversation is taking us. He's meant to find out who I am, but instead I'm wrapping myself in lies like rice in seaweed. Gary pops his sushi – wasabi and all – in his mouth while I close my eyes, preparing myself to break the tide.

“No man,” I say, “you're right. I'm more of a virgin than Holy Mary was when she gave birth to baby Jesus. My word.”

When I open my eyes again, Gary's eyes and mouth are wide open in disbelief.

“Oh come on,” I say, “don't be like that.”

But he's having none of it; he drops his chopsticks in the saucer of soy sauce and starts banging on his own chest in a rather apesque manner. He even rips open the collar and top buttons of his chequered shirt, baring a bit of chest hair. He's demonstrating his virility as if my virginity is contagious, to make sure no one mistakes us for two virgins.

“You like wasabi, sir?” The waiter is smiling like a frog while putting a glass of water in front of Gary. “You like wasabi very much?”

Trophy 11 - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll never see him again.

“The words of a man who hasn't had a girlfriend for... how long?”

I overdo it on the wasabi to hide that my cheeks are turning a bright shade of lobster. “Oh, I don't know.”

Gary stares at me with big blank eyes that remind me off... well, you get the gist. This is the moment that he'll learn more about me than he has done over the past fourteen years. We've been inseparable like fish and chips since we were twelve, up to the point that teachers wouldn't know for sure which one of us was Terry and which was Gary. He used to do most of the talking, though. I'm an expert when it comes to his flings. I know everything about them, from the way they shave their seaweed to the crazy things they moan during intercourse. Sometimes I think I know more about his love life than he does. In fact, he seems to have the memory of a gold fish when it comes to women. One time, when we were in Fabric and there was this girl – off her face on fuck knows what – that kept following him around, until he told me “I think she fancies me, whaddaya think?” and I had to remind him he'd been there already – she was the one that put her fingers up his bum when she was about to come. "Are you sure?" he asked. "Sounds rank. Did I like it?"

This is the moment that my best friend will finally dive into the deep, intimate details my life, instead of wading through superficialities of employment and housing.

“You're not a virgin, are you?”

Trophy 10 - Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll never see him again.

Though I've never seen Gary with a rod, I would in every respect describe him as a fisherman. It's not just the bragging about size that does it. For Gary, there's always other fish in the sea. And somehow, they all fall hook line and sinker for him. We're at this all you can eat sushi bar in Soho, filling ourselves to the gills, when I look for a way to broach the subject that has been bugging me for the last few days.

“This is how I learned to go down on girls,” Gary says, “got to eat sushi before you eat pussy.”

I raise one eyebrow while dipping my ocean fresh sashimi in soy sauce.

“It's the smell,” he says, “raw fish kinda prepares you for it.”

“What are you carping about, man?” I say, “giving head is a privilege, you should be grateful you're welcome down there.”