Sunday, 1 March 2009

Toby Turd and the Pile of Poo

Splash! Toby Turd is born.
He is brown like milk chocolate, but he doesn't smell as sweet.

In the toilet bowl, Toby Turd shivers.
The water is cold. Nothing like Billy's belly!

Inside Billy's belly, Toby Turd felt safe and warm.
Billy always hugged him tight.

Toby Turd has sweetcorn eyes. Above him, he sees Billy's bum.
Billy's buttocks are pink and round.

'Let me back in!' he begs. But Billy doesn't hear him.
Billy wipes his bum. The paper is dirty.

Billy drops it in the loo.
The paper falls on top of Toby Turd.

The loo starts to growl.
A wave flushes the paper off his head. He can see again.

'Let me out!' he calls. He tries to climb the walls.
But the walls are slippery and the wave is strong.

The flow sucks him away from Billy.
Down, down, down he goes...

The sewer is dark. It stinks terribly.
He hears water running, but nothing else.

'Hello?' he calls.
His voice echoes in the empty tunnel.

Toby Turd is scared. He is floating in wee-wee.
It smells like vinegar. It itches all over his body.

He scratches his back.
A piece of poop breaks off and floats away.

Poor Toby Turd! He starts to fall apart.
Suddenly he hears a fart!

'Help!' he cries.
From the dark water rises a huge Pile of Poo.

'Who are you?' asks the Pile of Poo.
Piddle drips from his lumps and he creaks when he moves.

The Pile of Poo keeps mounting higher and higher. He is massive!
'I'm just a little butt nugget,' says Toby Turd.

The giant scoops him from the wee-wee and toots.
'You smell fresh,' he says.

'You don't!' Toby Turd starts to cry.
'You smell foul! I want to go back to Billy!'

'Don't cry!' The Pile of Poo pats his head.
'Who is Billy?'

'Billy is my friend,' says Toby Turd.
'He loves me. He always hugged me tight.'

The Pile of Poo is frowning. A long fart echoes in the sewer.
'Then why are you here?'

'I don't know!' Toby Turd starts to cry again.
'It must be a mistake! I miss him so much!'

'All right,' says the Pile of Poo. He starts to wade through the water.
'I'll bring you back to Billy.'

The Pile of Poo moves quickly and smoothly.
He stinks of rotten eggs. But Toby Turd feels comfy on his back.

He doesn't cry any more. Soon, he will be back with Billy!
The Pile of Poo gets out of the water. He starts to climb a ladder.

'Where are we going?' asks Toby Turd.
The Pile of Poo pushes against the ceiling. 'We're going up!'

It is night in the streets. Nobody sees them come out of the sewage.
'Where does Billy live?' asks the Pile of Poo.

'Oh no,' says Toby Turd. 'I don't know! How are we ever going to find him?'
He cries again. Piddle drips from his sweetcorn eyes.

'Don't worry,' says the giant. He sniffs at Toby Turd.
'I can smell where you come from! This way!'

'Hello mister Magpie!' The Pile of Poo stops and nods at a bird.
'Kraa!' screams the bird. He flies up and pecks at Toby Turd's eye.

That hurts! Suddenly there are two hundred birds!
They are all hungry. They all want to eat Toby Turd and the Pile of Poo.

Toby Turd hides under a big lump. The giant starts to run.
He leaves a trail of footprints.

Birds stop at every print of poop on the pavement.
The Pile of Poo stops in an alley.

'We're safe,' he toots.
'That was very scary,' says Toby Turd.

Suddenly, they hear a woman call for help.
A mean man is running away with the woman's purse.

'We have to help!' says Toby Turd.
The Pile of Poo runs after the thief.

He is very quick and stops the thief.
'Give that purse back!' he says.

'No!' says the thief. 'You stink!'
'I warned you!' says the Pile of Poo.

With a big fist, he smacks the thief in the face.
Diarrhoea splatters in every direction. The thief is very dirty.

The woman comes running towards them.
'How can I thank you?' she asks.

But the Pile of Poo flees. He doesn't want her to smell them.
He runs slower than before and he farts less.

'What is wrong?' asks Toby Turd.
'I'm drying out,' says the Pile of Poo. 'I need to go to the loo.'

'Let's go back to the sewer,' says Toby Turd.
'That's where we belong.'

'No,' says the Pile of Poo. 'You belong with Billy.'
He sniffs. 'This house smells like you.'

'Really?' asks Toby Turd. He is very happy.
'Yes,' says the Pile of Poo. 'But I can't go in with you.'

He puts him down. 'You have to climb the pipe alone. I'm too big.'
'Thank you very much,' says Toby Turd.

'My pleasure, little butt nugget. I'll miss you.'
'I'll miss you too, Pile of Poo.'

Toby Turd climbs up the pipe.
On the first floor, there is an open window.

Toby Turd peeks inside and sees Billy sleeping.
Hurrah! He waves at the Pile of Poo and jumps into the bedroom.

He yawns and snuggles up to Billy's willy.
'I love you, Billy,' he whispers to the sleeping boy.

8 comments:

  1. Great stuff! But the ending is not acceptable for a children's story. You can't have a turd sleeping next to a willy, that's copraphillia. The turd has to end up where turds are supposed to go. I suggest Toby Turd is used to fertilise a field and turns into a lovely plant.

    I'm also not sure that young children are familiar with the word 'Turd'. You may have to change to 'Peter Poo' and 'Pile of Shit', although 'Shit' is a rude word.

    ReplyDelete
  2. beautiful. simply beautiful. toby and poo ... what an amazing poem.

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  3. Last Sunday, I read this story in Paradiso, a club in Amsterdam: http://vimeo.com/25988593

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  4. Interesting story.. Thank you for sharing

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  5. I used to draw a cartoon called toby turd in a comic starring pog.

    This was back in the 80s.
    Tobys only purpose was to have a shit on pogs and his friends.
    The only way you could defeat him was using slags bum which was pogs bodyguard and weapon.

    One of the comics got confiscated by the teacher and I had detention for a year.

    XD

    ReplyDelete
  6. I used to draw a cartoon called toby turd in a comic starring pog.

    This was back in the 80s.
    Tobys only purpose was to have a shit on pogs and his friends.
    The only way you could defeat him was using slags bum which was pogs bodyguard and weapon.

    One of the comics got confiscated by the teacher and I had detention for a year.

    XD

    ReplyDelete