Monday, 16 February 2009

CCTV SITCOM

INT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING

As always in the weekends, Brunel University Campus is deserted. Normally, students who live in halls go home to see their parents. Today the place is especially dead, because this Saturday its Valentine’s day, and those who would normally stay on campus have romantic business elsewhere.

It’s about 11.00 in the morning. In Café Rococo, the coffee shop on the corner of the Bannerman Centre, there’s only one waiter, an Indian chap with a dark red apron, reading the Starbucks Barista Manual. The only costumers, a Young Man and a Young Woman, have settled themselves on the red sofa.

Young Man has a slight West-London accent and is drinking a double espresso. He needs a haircut, his jeans are worn down and he hasn’t bothered to take off his scarf.

It’s impossible to tell where Young Woman is from, her accent shifts from an American tongue to copying Young Man’s expressions, with a hint of Scouse when she gets excited. She’s drinking a large cappuccino and has a milk moustache.

YOUNG MAN
You’re insane. Not in a million years. No.

YOUNG WOMAN
You always say that, “never again”, but deep down you know you want it, and he…

She nods at the waiter behind the counter.

Well, he doesn’t know it yet, but he wants it too. I can tell.

YOUNG MAN
I know that’s what I always say. I’m always right, too.

The waiter feels they are looking at him, tears a receipt from the cash register and folds it between the pages of his handbook.

WAITER
Can I get anybody more coffee?

YOUNG MAN
No, we’re out of here.

YOUNG WOMAN
Oh yes, I’d love another cappuccino. But I haven’t quite finished this one yet. Thanks.

YOUNG MAN
You and your little ways…

YOUNG WOMAN
If that’s what you need, darling…

Young Man takes his tobacco out of his pocket and starts rolling a cigarette.

Now don’t do that, don’t pretend you’re actually leaving already. You know you’ll stay until we’ve at least tried.

YOUNG MAN
I wasn’t always like this, you know. I’m not gonna lie about this: I’m a guy, so I’ve always been a bit promiscuous. But since I met you, things are getting out of hand.

YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah, that’s what you said. So what’s it gonna be then? The average two-times-a-week-screw in your squeaking single bed, but only when you’re sure the neighbours aren’t in, and still afraid to moan because the walls are so thin?

YOUNG MAN
Hell no. Not in this life.

YOUNG WOMAN
That’s what I thought. So what’s the plan, Peter Pan?

YOUNG MAN
All right, let’s give it a go.

He licks his cigarette and calls to the waiter.

Oi, garçon, can we have that cappuccino now?

YOUNG WOMAN
I love you, Peter Pan.

YOUNG MAN
Happy Valentine, Wendy.

The waiter approaches the sofa with a cappuccino.

WAITER
I’m sorry, mate, you’re not allowed to smoke in here.

PETER PAN
I know, but I like to have one ready for after the orgasm. Do you want me to roll you one as well?

And with that, Peter Pan and Wendy violate the waiter in Café Rococo in the broad day light. Peter Pan’s persona is that of the aloof accomplice. Wendy’s is that of the psychopathic nymphomaniac.
While Peter Pan takes off his scarf, Wendy gets up from the couch and brings her face close to the waiter’s.

WENDY
What on earth are you looking at?

WAITER
Erm… you’ve got a bit of foam on your lip…

WENDY
Yes, I’ve been saving that for you. Why don’t you have a taste?

2 comments:

  1. What an unpleasant pair of humans. No manners and exhibitionist. To the man, the waiter should have said: "Why don't you stick it up your arse and set fire to it?". To the woman he should have said: "I'd rather lick the piss from a cat's arse."

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  2. good story, thanks! Your blog is very nice.

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